happy day

last night my husband found my blog. he read it and this morning he apoligized he said he was only angry because he was trying to protect me. i said well you were scaring and hurting me. so he said sorry. tttttttttthen we lay in bed just woke up and my alexa set toplay music as a alarm at 10 am andit was some 60 music elton john and that. then he said when did we get so old. i said have you just relized that were not getting younger. i was talking about how funny my grandaughter is having a little tantrume and he said this song my dad used to lisen to and now i lisen to it. i said that yes as you were fighting getting old we turned old anyway haha. i wrote some time ago. i feel young but as are older genration depart we ave without knowing it become the old generation to the young ones. we know how are parents must of felt as they got old.

what to chat about

here is me spouting crap again. i have been spending loads of time with about 8 people on the playstasion as soon as i have had my brecfast i turn on the playstasion to chat with my friends and we are chtting till midnight and playing the hunt call of the wild. then i go and drive my bus and then a train to sloy and then i go on a long hall drive in my truck. its so cool but taking over my life a bit. my house is a mess and i am home all day. i dont know if theirs been anyone at the door because i am too bissey with my headset on and would not hear the door. my phone has been silent exept for the odd cold call. i am addicted to the playstasion need to wean my self off it. i do enjoy the driving and plenty of times i have fallen asleep driving. i have shot a coyote aand moose and not been able to shot anything since. i have a cold because i sat next to a window that was open and having the cats run back a for in and out of the window. i fell so tired so have to take a break from playing but i am still on just chatting. i need to go spend time with my granddaughter and get some fresh air but i dont fell like i wont to i wont to just be lazy.

the life people live and put up with

so what do you put up with ? just keeping your life stable. the macking of dissions can be the thing i find difficalt. what am i to do. i am weak spirit and weak mind. i like things to be made easy and get confused when their not. what is a good dission what is a bad one. things others find easy can be so difficalt for others. when you dont now or cant hear it. when your scared you can turn to find a less scare route or the easy way. in life though their is no easy way. so all of that done and your not sure who to trust. turns out only you yourself can diside. its difficalt enough without the added felling of emotion that wont let your sensable side come through. its got to be done but it would be easy without trouble upset and anger. noone can leave them behind. but the one thing it is. is when your scared of what might happen. scared of future and not knowing were its going to lead you. being scared to be alone. being scared of being invisable,not wonted. then their is being scared of being wonted,never been left alone. i find medition can relax you but it wont take problems away. it can help with a positive mind and help relax to have a good night sleep. well good night my friend it has been nice to chat and i shall not be here for a wail. its sadness and desper. we all live and have to learn to do it better to make ourselves to protect ourselves. only you can make you happy.

bloody consoles

so for the last two week i have been doing nothing but talking to my friends on playstation and playing buss simulator. my house is a mess. i have not been able to wake up earlie. i found train simulator and i played it for three days straight. as soon as i got up at 12pm i was playing it till 6am went on for three days my husband was complaining that nothing was getting done in the house. i said your feed. the cats are feed and watered what more do you need. he goes and plays his playstasion all night so why cant i. if my family needed me they would call. my phone has been silent for three days. its charged as well. so i was socializing with people from england and from douche land too. and a few in the states. my husband was their too. so train to move the train is a art, stopping the train is just practice getting the time to break and stop at stasions. ow no i wont to go play, if i doi will be on it till 6am tomorrow. well noone needs me noones coming round. my hubbys had his tea and cats are in their beds. why not haha. one of my friends went to spain and he texted saying he missing us already and he had not got on the plain. well should of got to spain by now. well whats good for the gander and all that. i shall be driving a train to london waterloo. haha.

bullys

enjoying playing my games with my friend we played diffrent game. we chated though and laughed. we chatted with close friends. then came along :grand theft auto: we played and had a laugh. then my friend meet four new friends. i was dumpet. i tryed to pay no attension. the friend brings the new people to the chat. they start playing other games i was not invited. they sugest games i bought them. no. these friends would not join my games but would join my friends. one person started saying they have to mute me as of my breathing. others in the party breathed just as bad or worse. i was muted not others. my friend asked why. he did not care much as he was getting good in his game. along came a women. who had a go at me and made me unconftable. she muted me aswell. my friend said to me oh shes horrible. but i sit their in silence lisening to my friend play and chat too people i do not hear. i fell low. i try noone hears me. i turn of the playstation and leave it behind. my friend is not my friend anymore. i play my games when their not online. i fell so alone to lose my friend that way. they will do it to him but their is nothing i can do. he cant hear.

catdance

one day a little cat with a tail too big for his body came through the open window. as i walked to the kitchen. he danced round my legs. not knowing who he belonged to. every morning the same. i opened the window and their he would be. he has come to dance with me again. with his mascare on and a happy meow. we dance together. he started coming over more and more. untill one day i was not felling well and he cuddled up to me wail i was felling ill. and some how i felt a little better. he wonted to stay over but my husband said no he has to leave. i hate not knowing that weather he has a place to go or that he may has nowere. hes such a sweet cat. today how ever i could not dance and he did not show up. oh how thoughs days we danced together. are and were so great. xxxxxxx

shopping at band m

i sleept on sunday 3am till 3pm. felt better after a shower and cleaning the kitchen hoovering and so today pop down the shop and went in to bandm. great things at good prices. i saw a small shots of smirnof with a glass and shot measure it had a small thing of vodka and some orange juice so thought why not being a little brave when i drink it cant hurt. need a new toilet seat their in their for 16.99. but i shall leave it to my husband as last time i got the wrong one. so a little tipple for me today cant be bad haha

crisis

i am having a crisis of what to do. i am weak and my son needs a strong person. i try seeing him but i fail to be a emotional support as i get to emotional too. the person i thought could be their to support us both is not the support i thought. now it brobebly too late. i failed as a mother and a person. i tryed to cut my wrists but for some reason the skin would not cut i did not even have a scratchh. i am distraight at not been able to hug my son. i wont to give him a big hug and just be a mom and a mum in law and granny. i would like my husband to be strong and just take all of us in to laughter and happiness. but thats not what happens. everyone has to put a effort in to make a family. but we are so unhappy to be seprate and we dont now how to be together as a family.

hi if your still lisning.

i made a blog about mental health and as soon as i said what condition well with bad spelling.haha. most of you thought about the bad press in news pappers. and the stingma. i like to think of my self as a person who has a stigma attached that i dont desirve, i am going to try to do bloggs and pictures of brecfast in my own town. i can start by saying i had gone down to morrisons for some bread and i went to the cafe and had three take out sausage bapps. it was 9am in the morning and brought the sausage bapps home to my husband. he ate two i had the third. it was really nice the sausages were cooked just right and not too hard. the bread roll was buttered and it was really nice. it just melted in my mouth and was so comftable to swollow. great start to a long day. i do shop in morrinsons a lot and i find the staff to be helpful and pleasent. but on days that it is busy and they have run out of stuff. you can tell that the staff are tired and had had some person being a little assy with them but over all as all of us get tired and fed up the staf are very nice and plesant and reconize a regulare customer. going in to morrisons store in aberystwyth is a uplifting experiance when i am felling low. a nice greeting and smile i resive makes my day to fell better about my day. and i will try working on my spelling as their is no spell check on here, haha.

i lost my will to write?

i have just got lazy. in my thoughs i just had no energy to think of any writing. i have done nothing. i should be happy that noone wonts anything from me. then i worry why dont anyone wont anything from me. my phone is silent noone calls. i speak my mind and then i am discumkated from everyone. my husband turned to me and said i think i am a loner. i said to him well ok but you cant go a day without speaking to anyone and getting parnoia thoughts of doom doom. ha. i on the other hand have no choice as when i try to speak to someone i just get silence. i do like silence with my own thought. i am pleased to be breathing and pleased that their are nature and trees. i apresiate the effert it takes to pump blood round my veins. i have a life alone and i need to make the most of what is around us. life does not need to be that hard. you get up and breath.