i am having a crisis of what to do. i am weak and my son needs a strong person. i try seeing him but i fail to be a emotional support as i get to emotional too. the person i thought could be their to support us both is not the support i thought. now it brobebly too late. i failed as a mother and a person. i tryed to cut my wrists but for some reason the skin would not cut i did not even have a scratchh. i am distraight at not been able to hug my son. i wont to give him a big hug and just be a mom and a mum in law and granny. i would like my husband to be strong and just take all of us in to laughter and happiness. but thats not what happens. everyone has to put a effort in to make a family. but we are so unhappy to be seprate and we dont now how to be together as a family.
i made a blog about mental health and as soon as i said what condition well with bad spelling.haha. most of you thought about the bad press in news pappers. and the stingma. i like to think of my self as a person who has a stigma attached that i dont desirve, i am going to try to do bloggs and pictures of brecfast in my own town. i can start by saying i had gone down to morrisons for some bread and i went to the cafe and had three take out sausage bapps. it was 9am in the morning and brought the sausage bapps home to my husband. he ate two i had the third. it was really nice the sausages were cooked just right and not too hard. the bread roll was buttered and it was really nice. it just melted in my mouth and was so comftable to swollow. great start to a long day. i do shop in morrinsons a lot and i find the staff to be helpful and pleasent. but on days that it is busy and they have run out of stuff. you can tell that the staff are tired and had had some person being a little assy with them but over all as all of us get tired and fed up the staf are very nice and plesant and reconize a regulare customer. going in to morrisons store in aberystwyth is a uplifting experiance when i am felling low. a nice greeting and smile i resive makes my day to fell better about my day. and i will try working on my spelling as their is no spell check on here, haha.
i have just got lazy. in my thoughs i just had no energy to think of any writing. i have done nothing. i should be happy that noone wonts anything from me. then i worry why dont anyone wont anything from me. my phone is silent noone calls. i speak my mind and then i am discumkated from everyone. my husband turned to me and said i think i am a loner. i said to him well ok but you cant go a day without speaking to anyone and getting parnoia thoughts of doom doom. ha. i on the other hand have no choice as when i try to speak to someone i just get silence. i do like silence with my own thought. i am pleased to be breathing and pleased that their are nature and trees. i apresiate the effert it takes to pump blood round my veins. i have a life alone and i need to make the most of what is around us. life does not need to be that hard. you get up and breath.
it been a bad thursday but we got to friday and i think from the blow out on thursday i got my point across. on thursday we were playing playstation till 6 am and i asked my husband about people who were in a chat party and he went mad so i told him i wonted him out and i had enough of his anger and dis respect. i got so upset that i called the samaritons and a nice person on the phone sat and lisened to my probles and i was talking for some time. so i had my coffee and then i cryed all day. my husband sleept till 4pm and i just could not stop crying. i managed to stop crying at about 8pm and that evening i just sleept all evening my husband came to bed at 3am and we did not wake till 2pm today. my husband wake in a nice mood i went and got shopping and got back he playing on the playstasion with his mates and he came of to make me a coffee. jac was laying on the bed with me last night and following me were ever i went. so when i got back with some cat food and treats me and the cat had a dance in the kitchen haha. very humid day today and a little dark.
last night everything was carm. i went to a medation class on my vr but i was in 2d on my laptop. i set up my self alittle corner were i could write and play my games. my farming sim is looking great. i am chilled and my area is tidy. a good night sleep and i am watching michael mclntyres comedy on catch up and so far felling very good. that will hopefully not change. but when i fell this relaxed and good their always got to be something to upset me later. (hope not) ha. i got my milk in from the milk man i had 7 bottles of milk their was supposed to be 8. but i dont know weather it was stolen or the milk man just left 7. looks like i my have to get the security cam out again. so my husband started helping last night and working together and getting things nice was so nice i dont know how long it will last but i shall enjoy it as i have it. ow yes the good life on catch up. thouse were the days. haha. i fell so old now. i used to be the young person just getting my son to school and tidying the house. now i fell like i am out of sink with everything and some times i wish their was what we have now when i was young. so my plan is to make monster weired teddys. i am going to crochet something with out a pattern and see how it turns out. cant wait shall most likely be a complet mess. at least it will fill emty time though. haha. well had a quick visit from my family aparently i am a drive though baccy dispence ow well haha. so i shall see what today brings. to all have a good night a good day and good morning. ha xxxx
i walked down to my local supermarket. i got bread milk bread rolls and salt and washing up liquied. i tryed phoning my husband to put money in the bank to get a taxi but he was so groggey he did not understand what i was trying to say. then i sat on the bench and this homeless old man sat down next to me he may of smelled but i have not much sence of smell because i brobebly stunk more than he did. his coat was very dirty. i wonted to give him one of the bread rolls but on the news it said you cant give anyone homeless anymoney or anything. my neigbour was at the shop and her dog was just having a fuss from the man. i got my shopping bag and walked home. i put the shopping away and i asked my husband you now we do have the time a resorces to help that old man. he said last time i helped a homeless person he new he lied to me and corsed a lot of grief. i would like to help the old man but was told that i should just report it to homeless selter. their closed its a bank holiday.
last night i just wonted to run away. i have been trying to get hold of family for ages my son and daughter in law have me blocked on facebook and the phone. the rest of my family say i call them too much and i only call the once that is to much they seem to take calls they dont anser as calls too. so i am woken by my sisster whos ignored me for weeks now ask me can i borrow some money. i told her well i have none either. because with the last of my money i bought a reclyner chair and got it dilivered for 30 pound. its a lovely chair. last night i needed to talk to my husband and he was too bisy playing his game. so i walked out the door said i will be on the street as i have nowere to go. i said i am sitting in their alone because your friend has muted me and you think its ok for him to treat me that way you say you care but you dont. i am just his maid when he needs coffe or food. so he comes of the playstation i was crying and he just shoutes at me. he just lazy fisacly and he does not wont to use his brain only to play his games he said to his friend sorry about this. i told him i wont him out he said i will be dead before i leave this house. i should realy not be so stupid when i am talking to a lazy cunt who thinks it funny to lie about me and then deney hes said anything. ow and he drank 8 pints of milk since saterday and thats my fault hes ran out of milk.